Too many Ideas

Sometimes I feel as though my head is about to explode with ideas. Of course by "sometimes" I mean all the time. Like right now for instance. That's sort of the reason why I write on this blog, and no where else. If I have things that I want to publish, many times, they aren't allowed to be published in two places at once. That's why I sit here, and find my focus on this site. That's really what this blog is all about. That, and my hatred for children. Ha, just kidding. It's only some children I hate.

Anywho, I've been writing other things. Things that make sense. The idea behind this blog is actually not to gain an audience. The funny thing is, I think I've done just that. There are people that actually read this stuff! It's amazing to me that people actually read these kinds of things. It also hurts my head if I'm not doing anything at all. Been playing a decent amount of chess lately in order to keep my brain stable. The problem with that is, sometimes I can beat level 6 or 7 on the chess masters thing, and then other days I have a hard time beating level 3. I can't imagine what the average is. I wonder if level 7 is genius? I'm going to go ahead and look that up now. See you next time.

I hate children

This is one of those rare blog posts where I know what I'm going to write about before I write it. Kids are the single worst fucking things on the planet. Maybe if they weren't walking germs, I wouldn't mind as much, but these things carry diseases, and they are so god damned needy. Fuck. Here's the issue, I've been put into a situation where I'm a baby sitter for my girlfriend's sister's fuck trophy, and the thing is madly in love with me.

Now don't worry, I don't use this kind of language around the little crotch dropping, but I need an outlet to express how disgusting it is. The thing won't leave me alone! I can't possibly imagine a worse kind of torture to put someone through than to just be around this brat. I've often thought of killing it. Is it bad that I would be way more unhappy if one of the dogs got hit by a car than the child? I don't know, I just thought I'd rant a bit. Let me know what you guys think.

Mastering a Concept, Stealing an Idea.

So,I hope watching movies on my computer isn't abusing it. Last night, I tried to shut it off, and the screen went black, but I actually had to push the button down to properly shut this thing off. I worry about it you know? Especially since it has fallen on the hard wood floor at one point here.

Anyway, that's not what I was thinking that this blog post was going to be about. I wanted to tell the imaginary people that read this blog that I have an idea, and I'm going to be doing something for the good of mankind soon. I have a societal obligation.....and the fact that I spelled societal right is weirding me out...but yes, a societal obligation to show the world that if you put 10000 hours into something, that you will have mastered it.

I know, I'm stealing from the dan plan, but I think that is ok. Especially considering that facebook not only stole from myspace, but made the whole idea worse. It's bullshit, and I'm still pissed about it. The point is, wish me luck people!

Forcing the Brain Juice.

Something is clouding my mind, and I feel as though I'm on the verge of being somebody important. The problem here is that I may get there after death. You know, like Van Gogh or Edgar Allen Poe. This is the place where I feel like I can write out all my plans, and not be judged.

My problem isn't concentration, it's control of it. I can't control when I concentrate, and what I end up concentrating on. Interesting to think about, but I realize that this can pose a serious threat to what I want to do with my life. Writing can be fun, but I can't just wait around to be inspired. Sometimes, you have to force your creativity out. This journal I find really helps, it gets my brain juices flowing, about knowing what is and what is not important.

Ironic

So, I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I write in here, my girlfriend is going to be all kinds of upset. This is a personal thing, and it irks me that she read a post. The thing is though, that there is a 99% chance that she won't read this one, and that sir, is the definition of irony.

To that I say, whatever. Fuck, how annoying. The only people that I want reading this crap are people that I don't know. Apparently, I have a bunch of followers, so I suppose that's pretty groovy. Some days I get bored, and on those days I want to write down my thoughts in a public forum. Why the fuck is this a bad thing? People need to calm the fuck down.

I did read one interesting opinion recently though, and that is the idea that thoughts are neutral, and that only actions have consequences. If my girlfriend is crying because of a misguided thought, and that puts me into a poor emotional state, is it the action of her crying that's making me feel like I did something shitty, or is it the original thought (albeit a misguided one) that is to blame? If she knew the truth behind what she read in the first place to make her think such things, well then she wouldn't be so upset. But again, this goes back to actions. Why was she reading my journal in the first place?

Fuck Lists

I often question the productivity of making lists. That's some bull shit right there. I'm gonna make a list of what sort of lists I ought to be making. I mean seriously?! How fucking productive can that be? It sounds to me like something that I would take to far, as opposed to just doing what I'm supposed to do.

Shit. The thing that I have found most productive is to give myself a reward. The knowledge that you're going to be getting a reward is motivation to get something started, and as we all know, getting started is 90% of the battle. People always talk about how they need motivation, and how making a list of crap that you have to do is just a tool. Some productivity blogs even say that you should narrow down your list to a few really important things. But here's my take on the situation: You know what it is that you need to get done, you don't have to write it down. You're not that stupid, the problem is actually doing whatever it is. So, where is your motivation? Easy. Think of the many things that you'd rather be doing, and use those as your rewards.

If you keep putting off getting your car fixed for instance, tell yourself that once it's fixed you'll be going to Starbucks and getting the best mocha-frappa-double-whipped-extra-chocolate-chino with five shots of espresso ever! Or whatever it is that you order at Starbucks. Or if the thing that you don't want to do is homework, download a bad-ass movie for when your done reading a chapter in your history book. Just don't make food your reward, I think you know why.

Anyway, that's just a little something that I found to increase productivity. Nothing else I've ever tried works, lists especially. That's pretty much the most bullshit thing ever. You don't need a fucking list. You know what's important to you.

Connections of passion

It's really hard to write sometimes. Though I've always been a fan of free writing. I have ideas that I think come out at the strangest times. I don't know though, whether it's a good thing to sort of force yourself to spew out these ideas or not. Another problem that I seem to be having is focus. I don't have a method to help me with that. Now that I think about it, I'm going to google that shit right now. Ways to focus, or improve focus, or some shit like that.

Fuck! It's really hard to think straight this early in the afternoon. Yea, I said it. This is really less of a journal, than a way of getting my mind on track for whatever the fuck it is that I'm really supposed to be thinking about. I will however, go back and take a gander at all these posts someday and see if there is a theme. If there is a connection of ideas, then maybe that's my passion. Now there's an interesting thought.

Balance

I had a revelation today. The reason that i don't have so much energy, is that I sit around all day. This poses the question: does sitting, or laying make you a worse person? Not necessarily. The thing is, there are self help gurus all over the world who are getting a boner over rest and relaxation time. They say you need to take naps and be lethargic like fucking dogs. What they don't take into account, is that people in this day and age are getting more than the recommended dosage of rest.

In fact, I would go so far as to tout that Americans are lazy as fuck when it comes to our bodies and exercise and all that good stuff. It's not enough that we should get up and move around for a half hour per day or what not. It should become a habit of the general public to be on the move most of the day. Now I know there are exceptions to this rule, there are plenty of people who work jobs that involve standing, but for the most part, I think Americans are the creative genious type, like myself, who can see the brilliance of ideas and abstract thoughts, but when it comes to taking care of themselves, not much thought goes into it. So, with the good comes the bad, and I think that it is only appropriate that we exercise our minds as well as our bodies. Balance it out people! Balance!

What will come of the great ideas of the future?

I really don't have much to talk about here to be honest with ya. I had a really interesting thought the other day though, and that is that considering the age that we are in - the information age - it's easy to understand why or how some people only have bursts of genius thoughts. Especially when it comes to writing.

That is one of the essential reasons why I am enjoying writing a blog: I can just splurt out a brilliant idea, and not have to worry about the length, form, format. Hell, I don't even have to worry about grammar here. I can use words like splurt. I do have to wonder though, about the effect of information overload on the authors of the future. The attention span of anyone born after 1989 is basically non existant, because let's be honest, there's just to much shit to do. I worry that this is the age of the end of great authors. Maybe not so much the end of great ideas, no, definitely not, but there will be no coherency to these ideas, and that is fucking scary.

It's been awhile

I know that I named the title of this post after a "Stained" song but I did it that way for a couple of reasons. One, it's been awhile since I posted, and two it's not too bad of a song. It is interesting though, that I don't usually come up with titles first. I usually just start writing.

Anyway, I find that writing helps me to focus, and that is something that I need a lot of right now. On to the good news, I finally got that change of pace that I am looking for. I'm in a different part of the country, and I have to say, I think it is rather nice. I mean, there are ups and downs to every situation. Thinking about moving with my girl friend to another location though real soon. Don't know where though yet. Maybe Seattle? Fuck, I feel as though my life revolves around me being stable financially, and I don't dig that at all. This is not the metaphorical garden that I wanted to plant. Gonna start a new one here real soon. ;)

Hardcore Pawn

The title hardcore pawn is a bit of an experiment. This article has nothing to do with the t.v. show, so if that is what you are looking for, you may leave. I just want to see if a search term like hardcore pawn will get a huge amount of visitors to my mediocre blog.

I'd rather not say what I'm really doing, as there may be a certain somebody a reading this blog. I can't under estimate the evil in this world. I can say however that it is one of those things that can put a person under a ton of stress. Stress doesn't always have to be a bad thing though. Sometimes, stress is a motivator. I mean, I don't know if now is one of those times for me, but you get the gist.

Anywho, I just had a huge plummet in energy. I had my caffeine boost this morning, but damn, I'm kind of wondering at this point if it was even worth it. I got a dirty look from the cashier for paying in nickels and dimes. Fuck her, that's all I've got to say. That, and the girl at the pawn shoppe was cute. Just saying. There sure was a ton of shit to go through to pawn a few items off though. lol. Man, they really make you do some shit. Hope I don't fall asleep after writing this. I may just exercise, get my mind back on track.

Shit be hurting when you wake up

Fuck me man. Is it just me, or when you wake up, do all your muscles hurt as though you've fallen off of a bridge? Somebody else in this world has to have the same damn problem. Anybody? Fucking crickets man. Ok, so here's what I'm going to be doing today.

Signing up for school! Yay! I'm sure you guys can feel the sarcasm dripping down your balls. Look here, school is seriously the cause of all my problems. No, scratch that, it's people. Specific people. Women specifically are the cause of all my problems. I have seriously never had any problems with guys. I would love to be gay if it weren't for the fact that I'd feel shameful and gross after playing with some dudes penis. I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it, and isn't that what life is all about? Fucking enjoyment? I would think so. Plus, women are just all around more attractive. Even women that I've talked to think that other women are attractive. Men just aren't. Sorry guys. Fuck! It's the personality though. Women are born evil. Evil little sexy vixen sluts. I like it, but I wish they wouldn't steal my money.

It's kind of cool when they're on your side though. Like my current girl friend is evil, but like for me. It's pretty cool. I love her. :)

If you Believe

This is the kind of thing that gets my juices flowing. Just sitting back, relaxing, creating. I feel like I may die though. Here is where the problem lies, there's something here I must disguise. I don't want to die right now, when all I see and hear is cow. I forgot to disclose that I am a bit of a poet. The problem is staying on a subject once I find a subject that's good enough for me to stay on. It's so hot though. The best books are written by force though, am I right? or am I write? get it? Ha! That's freakin funny. I know you junk buckets aren't laughing. why aren't you laughing? Fuck! it hurts to sit here and sweat all day, but there is nothing that I can do about the thousand degree temperature.

I have a problem staying focused. Please help. I don't know what to write about, and it should be apparent for anyone reading this. Maybe there is a pill I can take? But what are the implications of messing with the brain? Whatever they are, they can't possibly be good. I think that if I meditate, it helps to stay focused when writing. That's what I believe any way. And if you believe something, it may very well come true.

Summer

So, it's summer. It's to hot to do anything at all. I enjoy selling all this shit that I have up on the ebays, but damn, the whole, "post it and see what sells" attitude doesn't seem to be working. There is obviously a bit more research involved than that. I wouldn't mind being a part of the make money niche, but people are going a bit psycho with all the money that I owe.

Let's just say that financially, things aren't going so well. I'm not going to die or anything like that, but it is a problem to pay for food. I don't want to go back to being a cam model again. It wouldn't be a bad job, if I were gay, and/or didn't have to lie about being straight. It is what it is. I think I've kind of decided what I want to do here. I want to do something like this where I just write about whatever the fuck that I want, and this in its self is kind of it's own niche. Lot's of people don't have a clue as to what they want to do, right?

Mountains of Work

What I keep hearing all the time, is that true genius is creating mountains of work. Of course all this becomes natural after awhile, but the point is, I know what I want to do. It's ridiculous to even imagine that there are people who go to work every day, and don't give a fuck about what they do. Motivation is tough. I think it would be fun though to put on a show for people. A show about something that I actually care about.

If I could ask one person one question, it would have to be Henry Rollins, and the question would be "How the fuck do you stay focused, and how do you know what matters in what you do?" I guess you never know what the right thing is. I'll figure this out one day. Maybe this is a topic for another blog.

Fucking Do It

So, here's my plan: I'm going to post one strange thing on ebay every day that I think probably won't sell. But if it does sell, that's extra "surprise" money. This is in addition to the crap that I know will sell. So, I suppose my job is getting rid of crap. I've gotten pretty good at that sort of thing. It's not a big deal.

My goal for today: Figure out how the fuck Amazon works. I got books to sell, and I need to know how to get rid of these fuckers. Plus, I think that camcorder is worth at least 100. It pisses me off that it didn't go on ebay. So I suppose there is only one thing left to do, and that is to actually do it.

Bitch

So, here I am borrowing money for rent. Not a fan of that. Certain people around here don't seem to help. Don't want to name any names. It gets quiet around here. Real quiet before the anger. Fits of rage. Not from me, but just in general. It hurts to wake up, because I over sleep. I don't do much to contribute, but what I have done is pretty nice. I should be grateful for what I have put together, but that's hard to do when none of this is doing anything for me. I put my heart into it, and i've gotten nothing back, yet.

Oh, wait. I take that back. I have gotten something back. I've gotten yelled at. A whole ton of negative energy that's just being spewed upon me every couple of minutes. It's hard to even write about it, because I feel as though someone might be looking over my shoulder. It probably sounds to the average reader as though I'm wining or bitching, but you know, why is that such a bad thing?

Niche The Beast!

I feel strange posting my goals here, as I never intended this to be a goal site. But you know, I'm okay with that. Today, is the first day of the rest of my life, and I already have it all planned out. The only problem is that I don't know if music alone will pay the bills. That is why I must fool people into thinking that I am above average in the songwriting field.

Plan for the best, expect the worst. I think that's how the saying goes. not a hundred percent sure, but I'm not too concerned about it. How is this going to pay for my life? Mostly adsense. Will adsense always be there for me? I honestly don't know. It's a bit of a problem to say that i don't have a following, because in order to start a business of any sort, you need some sort of a following. If this thing is to be more than a personal journal, than I should be promoting it, right? I would hope so. I guess it's kind of a good idea to have a niche. Where might I find one of those? Wtf is a niche? I don't even know most of these things. I don't want to take the anti-god niche and be copying every other freak out there in the world right now. It just wouldn't feel right.

Shit On

I feel like I'm being stepped on. No, scratch that, walked all over. How hard is it to not spend money? I personally think it's pretty damn easy, but if you're being influenced by someone who spends on average $80 a day, sometimes you need to tell that person to Fuck Off! I'm so fucking pissed. Like it's a 15 minute walk downtown, you can trolley hop for free, and get to any store you want for FREE, but this certain bitch, (don't want to say any names) Wants to spend 20 bucks on a rental car. Now what seems better $20 to save a half hour, or take the extra time and get to your destination for free?

Call me crazy, but I'm not a god damn money tree. You know what else? The bitch wants $30 worth of crap once she gets there. WTF? This would all be fine if she were to pay for it. As soon as she gets her license, she can drive around to her heart's content, but for the time being, I feel like I'm being shit on. The worst part is, all women are like this! They think that men need to buy them diamonds and shit, but I'd prefer to live without material things than to deal with women who feel as though they are entitled.

Confused

All my muscles are sore, and I almost feel dead. There's got to be away for me to make a living through art. That's all I give a fuck about. As of right now though, I'll take any money. I don't want to die, and I have 2 weeks to figure out how to make money from this little venture of mine.

Surviving is a bit of a distraction when opening up a business. You know, I'm going to make the front page of my actual website some sort of rant. I just know I can find like minded people right off the bat. There's no real reason why I shouldn't be able to. I think the easiest way to do this is through article marketing. If I pretend that my website is someone elses, I think I will do better. I know that sounds funny, but it's true. I'm a people pleaser, but damn if I suck at pleasing people. Fuck!

Make money, Quit Caffeine

Check it out my home flies. Today, I'm going to try something a bit different. First of all, I'm going to put some adsense on this goofy looking blog. If people are going to be reading this, I might as well attempt to make some money here. I doubt I will, but it's fun just to write a bit, you know?

Second, I gotta say I think I found something that will make me money for the short term while I run my real business. I think an interesting concept that no one really tries to do is to go for some black hat marketing in order to fund their white hat business. I'm starting another blog that is going to be solely made to get views, and make money in order to help me survive untill my actual music sells, and my real blog starts to go somewhere. I think this is a bit of an interesting concept that no one ever really talks about, as I've never heard of anyone else doing it.

Last thing, does coffee make anyone else have to shit way more than normal? I need to get off this coffee addiction, but the problem is that my muscles hurt when I do, and I get super tired. On the other hand, I think all this coffee is what's making my shit irregular. IDEA: Design a product to help people quit coffee. Similar to the patch for nicotine. It shall be called....Fuck, I don't know what to call it. Leave a comment, tell me what you think this coffee quitting product should be called.

Things Unfinished

This thing is getting views, and I don't know if I like that. That's ok though, cause if I gain an ass-ton of fans, maybe I can put some adsense on this thing and make enough to survive. Probably not, but you get the gist. Makes me hungry just thinking about it. Gonna go with my usual breakfast today of oatmeal and an orange, or possibly an apple.

Good news, I haven't had any contact from that crazy bitch that said she may be pregnant. We'll see how that goes in the next few months. It makes me paranoid though. Just scared to death. Prefer not to think about it. Onto the next topic. I think I have a way of making money, with my website, I just have to get the traffic. Traffic is a problem with any new website, but I have some ideas.

Bit Coins. What are they?

Dear journal. I just woke up, but I realized that I woke up early for a Friday. Don't have school for an extra hour or so, so I figured I'd write. I know I've said in previous posts about how I'm a people pleaser of sorts, and that in its self can be detrimental. I know that if I take baby steps though, like writing in this journal, that it can help.

I gave in the other day, and spent an ass ton of money. Got a sweet Johnny Cash t-shirt, and a lava lamp, but in the long run, do I really need these things? Probably not as much as I think. Then again, I'm trying to determine what skills I have that make money for society. I have a bit of curiosity as to bit coins. What the fuck are they?! There's already a few bitcoin billionaires, but where would you spend them? How would you get them? What is their value in relation to say the US Dollar, the Canadian Dollar, or the Euro? Seriously, what the fuck are those things? I get interested, because if they are easier to attain than real money, I know I could exchange them for the real thing, and I'll be gravy. It's an interesting thought. Start my own bitcoin business. A cam site that only accepts bit coins? huh. :)

No More Greed Creed.

Sometimes, I don't have anything to write about. It's times like these that I simply write to make myself feel better. I don't think anyone reads the things that I post so I'm not really worried about alienating my audience. It's nice, because I don't really have one. Anyway, I guess I can write about my day.

I woke up and masturbated to the thought of a stripper grinding her wet pussy on my chest, and that was kind of nice. I've stopped looking at porn for over a week now, and I must say that it's kind of nice. I haven't noticed a change in my sex drive, but I'm just hoping to be able to focus more on things that matter to me. I have been writing more music now that I think about, but I don't know if that is as a result of quitting porn. Does it really matter? If nobody reads these blogs, then no one is going to listen to my music either. I know there is something that I intend to put out into the world, but I can't quite figure out what it is. What's going to give me the most fulfilling life? Certainly not chasing money around. Greed is for losers.

Choose Your Battle

I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, but damn, things are getting intense! Good news though, I got paid today. I didn't tell anyone, cause people are like leaches when it comes to money. I don't want to go out and eat a $75 celebration dinner. I'm not exaggerating on that either.

I just want to say "no thank you" to spending every dime that I make on some skank. I'm being trampled on, and I don't dig that. It's not always a good thing to fall into the mindset of being a people pleaser. I was reading an article in psychology today last week, and I came to the conclusion that that is what I am. A people pleaser. So my relationships suffer because of that.

How do you break out of a detrimental habit if it's the kind of habit that makes us inherently human? It's like eating, you have to eat to survive, but if you're overweight you're basically killing yourself. The key is moderation. Same with alcohol I suppose. If an alcoholic avoids alcohol all the time, then the simple practice of avoiding the addiction will consume his or her life. I don't want that to happen to me. One must learn to pick and choose their battles.

People Pleasing

I figured it out. I am a people pleaser. I hear it's a bit of a personality disorder. Everyone has something wrong with them. I can't quite figure out where mine stems from though. I can't blame others for using me though. I just have to stand up for myself every once in awhile is all. People need to stop messing with me. It's strange to think that this is one of those addictions that you can't quit altogether without there being negative consequences. If I shut everyone out of my life, I will be this horrible person who will never amount to anything. On the other hand, if I do things for people at the expense of my own personal well being, I'm destroying myself. I have to realize that I am the problem. The greatest people in the world tend to sabotage themselves in one way or another. The bottom line for me is that I just want to be happy.

Which brings me to the question of what makes me happy? Same kinds of shit that makes everyone else happy: good food, sex, drugs, rock and roll. But there is one main thing that makes me different. I think it has something to do with helping people. If I know that what I do for a living makes a difference, I think I will be satisfied. I have to work on that one. :)

What to do

So, I find myself sitting here, not exactly bored, but coming up with all these interesting ideas and no way whatsoever to implement them. it's rather frustrating to say the least. What can you possibly do in this sort of situation. The ADD is kicking in really bad, and I don't know how to find my way around it. I'm glad I started this blog because if I didn't, I don't know what I'd be doing right now.

I need money, but I also realize that this should never be the main motivation behind anything. I'm a little bit hungry, and too creative for my own good. Not much of a planner, as I don't want to end up planning my life away. I do have to get something done today though, so I don't feel like such a douche. What to do, what to do...

I know, I can do research for my e-book. Make sure that I don't have broken links or anything crazy like that. I was almost thinking of writing two separate e-books. One for creating, and one for marketing. Easier said than done. I'm sure there are tons of courses jam packed with all the info that I have in my head right now, but to be honest, I don't give a fuck. I'm putting it out there anyway.

Scenarios

It's been awhile since I felt nice and relaxed like this. I have to get away from my computer though. Being at your computer 24/7 starts to wear on you physically. It also starts to mess with your psyche when you plan too much. That's just something that I've learned through much trial and error. There is one thing that I do know though, and that is that it just takes a little bit of balance.

A little bit of planning isn't such a bad thing. You don't want to jump into risky situations with nothing to protect you if things go wrong. I was also told to look at situations as not negative or positive, but just different outcomes of the same action. If you can't live with a possible outcome, then modify what you plan on doing so that in even the worst case scenario is tolerable.

For instance, I plan on writing some e-books, and signing up for Clickbank.com as a distributor. The worst case scenario here will be that I lose 50 bucks. Not so bad in the grand scheme of things, considering that the best case would be that I am able to make a living selling e-books, and won't have to get a job at Mcdonalds, or somewhere similar. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but still. You get my gist. :)

This can all go away

I just figured out how to do paragraph spacing on this stupid blog. That's not what this post is going to be about though. lol. I wrote something like this in my first post on here. Something about how I'm sick of sitting around all day. Which is fine, it's just that I have so many things that I want to accomplish, and now my ex girl friend is pregnant. She ruined my life.

I tried talking out my frustrations, but it seems as though everyone's trying to force their opinions on me. The conclusion that I've come up with now, is that I'll just have to write it out. So here it goes. I have the option to run away. I have the option to let her live off of my money, and I have the option to sit here and stress about it forever. I feel like if I run away, I'll be stressing for the rest of my life, and that's no way to live life.

I'm already getting calls from debt collectors. The fuck?! Sigh. This really hurts. To put your trust in someone, and have your life be fucked up like this. Kind of makes me mad. If I move, this will all go away. Or make it exponentially worse. Don't know for sure which. Suicide was sounding like an option there for awhile. Unfortunately, I have something that I want to give the world, so I can't do that.

I say if she chooses to have it, that's her decision. Does it really hurt a child if he/she doesn't have a father? Please tell me your thoughts.

School is not Cool

As I was looking back over some of these old posts, I realized that a lot of this stuff is a bit negative. I'm not a negative person by any means, I think I was just writing from the point of view of a realist. Which if that puts people off, it's fine. I kind of don't want people reading this thing anyway. At least not for a few years. I think this is going to be one of those things that will be popular in a few years. This whole blog I mean. So many ideas, and so little time to do them. How should I do this? I'm looking into a future where my degree isn't going to matter too much. It's tough though. I'm getting education for free, and at this point I'm looking at it not like a helping hand, but more like a "I'll take what I can get kind of deal." My head is about to explode just thinking about how hard it is just to get a BS degree that won't mean anything. Not cool man, not cool.

It's Simply Gross

It seems as though the state of California is trying to kick me out, so I have decided to move out of the state. I don't want to say where though. I may know someone out there who is reading this, so if I say when or where I'm moving, they might try to track me down. I didn't mean to start a blog so that I could complain, I just wanted to be able to look back and track what's going on in my life. I have some pretty awesome pictures, that I intend to post here within the next couple of days. Pictures of the shitty conditions I was living in only a month ago.

I look at moving as a new start. A re-birth in the hero cycle. You see, everyone deserves a second chance. The great thing is that I have at least nine months to move out, enroll in another school, switch degrees, and get my life back on track. I have weapons now. I know if need be, I can survive, and that's what matters to me. I need a place where I won't have women draining my money, and homeless people trying to ruin my life. Things here are pretty disgusting.

Scared out of my mind

About that whole pregnancy scare. I'm gonna pretend that never happened. Not a big deal. Here's the thing, I have reason to believe that if I don't talk to her, she won't talk to me, and it will all be gravy. I'm not abandoning my unborn child, or if they're twins, "children", it's really more like I'm running away from her craziness. There's just no negotiating. It's scary to think that she wants to take all my money. Horrible even. I'm scared to death. I'd like to think that it just isn't happening, but I don't know if my plan will work. Also, I feel as though my brain has been molded in a bad way by porn. I can't stop looking at porn, my ex is pregnant, and I may have tracked bedbugs into this brand new apartment, and I can barely afford to survive. And I'm expected to get all A's. Things are pretty fucked up right now. There's got to be a bright side. There just has to be. Is this the kind of thing that everyone goes through in life?

Karma

Karma. I believe everybody has it in them, surrounding them, a part of them. Mine's not so good right now, but you know, whatever. There's this girl that I may have mentioned in an earlier post. The thing is, I'm not attracted to her. At all. This is weird even for me. Like as a straight man, I'm more attracted to some men than I am to her. It's not just that she's gross. It might have something to do with the ex-prostitute thing, or the ex-drug addict thing, or her teeth. I can't really explain it. The point is, she's a fucking psychopath, who may be pregnant. Happy St. Patrick's day! It's not like I didn't have enough problems moving into an apartment that I can't afford. Now I have to stay in contact with this girl that I want nothing to do with. The rumor around here is that girls will do anything for money, including having a kid. No thank you to that! If I want a kid, I will adopt a baby goat! At least they can provide milk and cheese in the long run. Unlike real children, who provide screaming, and fecal matter. What did I do to deserve all this? Certainly not anything that would directly harm people. Nothing that I can think of off the top of my head. Don't you worry though. I'll figure it all out. I always do. ;)

Girls That Drop Off the Face of the Earth

Writing in a journal helps keep one's mental health in tact. There are studies and things that prove it. It doesn't matter too much though. I need people in my life. I can't seem to focus, so this whole post is going to sound a bit funny. I was talking to this girl on a dating site, and yes I'm getting that whole butterfly feeling that you get when you talk to someone cute. But like I was saying in an earlier post, all these gurus who think that they're the masters at fucking hot chicks forget to mention the "fade out". This can't possibly be some one off phenomenon that only happens to me. For instance, I'll talk to a girl, the conversation is going well for a few days, hell even a few weeks, then the messages get farther apart, and she just sort of fades out until eventually, she drops off the face of the earth. Now, I have no problem picking the conversation back up, but am I boring? Does that mean that I only talk about myself? I'm a little scared that my ego is taking over my ability to find and keep a girl that I deem is good enough for me. I can have any relationship I want with girls that just flaunt their pussys around, but I don't want that. I want a girl that I have to woo. At least a little bit. One who's not young and retarded, or old and loose. It seems that there is a very, very small window between young and retarded, and old with 5 kids. I prefer mature enough to have had a good amount of sex, but not too dumb as to have had five or more kids, and not know who the father is. Oh yes, and not a crack addict. Is this really to much to ask for?!

I wish someone were here to see the awesome omelette I just made. This thing was amazing. It had like magical powers 'n shit. I flipped it like a pancake at first, as though I didn't care, but then after I saw how beautiful it became, I did care. I cared a lot. Anyway, that's not really what this post is about. This is more of an anti-technology post. What can I say, I'm kind of lonely, because of Facebook and shit. It's like I can talk to my friends whenever I want, but Facebook, telephones, and the like, are not substitutes for actually being there. Yes, I love Skype just as much as anyone else, but damn, sometimes you have to have human interaction too, and I'm finding that harder and harder to achieve. I suppose that's part of the reason that I'm running around trying to get girl's numbers and stuff. I'm fucking lonely. Lonely, and full of eggs. I know sex is not a cure for loneliness, but what is?! I imagine that it has something to do with being with the right people. Friends, family, and people that don't break into your apartment at 3 in the morning, grab you by the throat, and grind their pussy's all over you. As much as I love pussy, I think that someone reading this may be able to see how that could freak someone out. I just want a friend here in California. I didn't think that was a lot to ask for. :(

get some sunshine

So, maybe my last post wasn't that great, but still this whole journal thing is more for my personal feelings than for anyone else. I often wonder if the things that I write even make sense. I learned something else today: I'm addicted to technology. I also wonder to myself how many people have this exact same problem. It's like I can not go a day without turning my computer off. I used to think in the past that I was addicted to porn, but now I know that if I'm not around my computer, I wouldn't be looking at nearly as much porn, so I know it's not that. When I was on vacation, I couldn't really download anything on my mom's computer, and she didn't have much of a wifi signal. I get it now though. Technology addiction is a real thing, and it's starting to affect my daily life. It's affecting me in ways like being sad, and moody as fuck. today I just wasn't feeling too good. I know I can sit down and meditate, but I need that computer timer to tell me when to stop. Watching movies, t.v. shows, porn, and my life are all a part of this big digital cloud, and I need it to stop. I need to go out and meet people. I don't even know how. I almost want to reach out, and ask how many people have this same problem? I've often heard that you can substitute one addiction for another, but I don't know what I'd want to do instead of being on the computer. I know, that's pretty bad. If anyone out there is reading this, I'd like to know what to do. I thought about taking an addiction course, but I imagine it wouldn't help if it were online. Maybe I should just go out and get some sunshine...

Push Yourself

The way to better yourself is to go about it little by little. Just relax, and take the world in through deep breaths and meditation. Every day is a new experience, and I'm sick of living in the same place forever, and ever. It's ok though, because I have a way to stop my addiction, and that is to concentrate on doing the things that I love. It's all so simple, and yet I do have to work at it. If one wants to better themselves, all they have to do is put a little bit of effort into their life. That's all. Just the tiniest bit of effort, and everyone's part, and the world will be a better place. I already know the future, and if I don't push myself out of my comfort zone, then it may not be the future that I want. Or a future that anyone would want for that matter. Relaxation is what it's all about. Taking a little bit of time to see yourself and your environment for what it is. There is no need to be bored. There is always so much to do, but the fact is that you have to put effort into doing it. It's always worth it to put yourself outside of your comfort zone. At least once a day. And this is one thing that I need to start doing.

Sluts

Getting back into the groove of going to school. And you know what? I don't much care for it. There is one thing that I do like though, and that's talking to all these gorgeous girls. I was walking to math class, and lucky for me, I found someone who knew where the new math building was. She was amazing. She was like an angel that floated down from heaven, with this tight sexy ass that I just want to grab, and stick my face between her butt cheeks. But I digress. I got her name, number, and all that good stuff, but the thing is, sometimes I feel like I could get all the phone numbers in the world, but after that first initial contact, it's like things fade out. The books that proclaim to teach you how to sleep with any woman you want only seem to give you enough information to get their phone number. They somehow forget to mention that once you get it, and you call the girl, that she doesn't always call back. I know I can't be the only guy who has this problem. Like how long do I wait to call her? It's been my experience to wait about a day. I don't want to seem desperate, and call her three hours after she gave me her number. I imagine that sort of neediness turns women off. So, I wait a day, call, and one of 2 things happen: 1: She doesn't answer, I leave a message, and never hear from her again. or 2. She doesn't answer, and I get an "I'm busy" text. If option 2 happens (as it did with the girl I met on the way to math class) Then do I text her back? or do I wait for awhile, and call again? I texted back, and subsequently set up a meeting time. I expect this "date" to go well, however, where do we go from here? Honestly, I don't know enough about her. I don't even know if she's single! I know better than to ask, simply because that information is not important to me. I mean, if she had a boyfriend, would that stop me from being attracted to her?! Fuck no. As for where things go from here, I will keep you updated. :)

One thing at a Time

By jove, I've got it! People can only do one thing at a time. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when I started making new habits, I basically started with a list. I now see that this is the wrong way about it. I'm not saying that I can't discipline myself to do everything that I want to turn into a habit in one day. But the thing is, if you do it that way, it won't stick. For instance, I actually went out and talked to some hot chicks the other day. Two to be exact, but it was still a confidence booster. Did I get anything else done? Not really. I wrote a new poem, but it was on paper, and I need it on my computer if I want to get it published one day. I don't know for sure, but I don't think that publishers accept small scraps of paper with scribbles all over them. Anyway, my one habit for the month is to re-type my poetry. I suppose one per day should be just fine. When I have a thousand pages worth, I may just submit it to a publisher. I mean, who knows?

Porn, Sore Muscles, and Songwriting Lessons

It's early. I like to write early sometimes. It puts my mind at ease. What I don't like however, is that when I'm sitting at the computer, I get distracted. Yes, I watch too much porn for my own good. But whatever. Does it make me a sick person? Maybe. Do I care? Not really. I know I can't be the only one who's muscles hurt the way mine do in the mornings. I'm fucking 27 years old. Supposedly that's young, but damn! What is going on with that? Good news though, I think I might possibly know what I want to do for a living. Yea, I'm going to be a free lance songwriting instructor. The course is not only going to show people how to write their own music, but how to market it and all that good stuff as well. I think I'll have video lessons to offer on my website as well. And, I'm going to offer to re-design Bryan's website for free. Because let's be honest, his site sucks. Seriously, my mom could do better. I don't know why he doesn't hire her. It blows my mind. I don't even know if I want to give him any credit on here, because his website sucks so bad. But I should, considering he's a huge influence on my music. So if someone actually reads this, you should go on over to: www.bryanrivers.com Soon to be re-designed by me.

42 goals

I find it hard to talk to people. There, I said it. I want to be able to talk to people not just online, but in real life. I made it one of my habits. You see, I signed up with this site called 42 goals, and the brilliance of this set up is not that they're goals, it's really more about developing habits. So the domain name of the site is entirely misleading, but that's not a big deal to me. It's like if you miss a day or two, the world is not going to end. I think anyone reading this should check it out. It's I hope that showed up as a link. Anyway, I have seven habits set up on there right now, and I have yet to do them all in one day, but I'm finding that it is important for me to talk to people. It would be nice to have friends. My relationships are going well right now, but everyone I know lives so damn far away! It kind of hurts. I was also thinking that I might just pack up all my stuff and move to Seattle. Doesn't that sound cool? Or maybe New Orleans. It's all good. Somewhere where the people are friendly. I bet people in Colorado are friendly. I have no idea, but the language barrier here in California, is going to be the death of me. If I don't learn to speak spanish soon, I think I'm going to fall into a depression, again.

Take Action

This is going to sound a bit unusual, but I think that I write these things just to make me feel like I'm productive. I've been thinking about it a bit, and I don't know if I'd be really happy if all I was doing for a living was sitting around and giving webcam guitar lessons to people. What would make me happy I think, would to be with people that I love. I get a bit lonely out here, as I don't know anyone. I have tons of acquaintances, but no real friends. It's enough to drive someone insane. Or at least make them mentally sick. It kind of hurts, but you know, I think I can get solace after I finish college. I never want a real job, I know this for sure. But what pisses me off is the fact that goals never make a person happier. I don't exactly know what does, but I know it's not setting goals. The thrill of achieving a goal only lasts a few days at most, then it's back to the old grinding block. So what does make a person happy? Besides sex, Coffee, and good food, I believe it's friendship, friends, and family that have the biggest impact. Helping people is my calling in life. I can do that well. I don't need a degree to teach people how to write some music, or better themselves in some small way. I know this would make me happy. In the end, do I want to move back to Florida? Now that I think about it, it's time to stop making plans, and act on what I have. Because nothing will get done if you don't take action.

Thoughts on my Future

I'm starting to think that this might turn out to be a self help kind of blog. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I have so many damn ideas, I think that the best way to deal with this kind of thing is to just go with it. Go with the flow, right? I took a bit of a walk last night to think about where I want my life to go, and instantly i kept thinking about ways that I could make money. There are just so many of them. And I know this is a trap, because in order to stick with any one of these methods, you have to love it. If you're not passionate about it, you won't stick with it, and if you don't stick with whatever it is that's making you money, you might as well give up, because you'll be attracted to the next shiny object that you see. The next big venture, and so on, and so on, forever. With that being said, there are only a few things that I love. One is music, and two is creative marketing. I definitely want to start a home based business, but no one in their right mind is going to take me seriously if I can't prove my credentials. Yes, that's kind of what I'm getting my degree for, but I personally think that experience is way more important than any bull shit piece of paper that said that you went to school for a few years. I'll tell you one thing: college hasn't taught me a damn thing. And I just got a phone call that de-railed my train of thought...so I'm going to go ahead and end this post. Bye Y'all!

Progress

So, someone viewed my post. I'm kind of happy about that. I feel so lost though. It's like I don't want to sit here in front of the computer all day. This sort of behavior simply can not be healthy. Writing, and jogging around the park every once in awhile helps, but then I end up right back here doing the same old thing again.

School is starting in a week and a half, and it's slowly getting warmer outside. So there are some good things happening. I'm starting to think that I should set some goals. Like push myself a bit, to accomplish more in life. That's always kind of nice, right?

Now that I think about it, this all looks very similar to a blog that I did like 2 years ago. Maybe spring is the time to be productive? I certainly hope that's the case. It's only eleven A.M., and I'm already starting to go crazy. Maybe I should call someone. Get a girlfriend, who doesn't suck away my money. Little things like that might make me happy.

My former room mate/ex-girlfriend makes me upset. She steals from me, and then justifies it by saying that it's my last ex-girlfriends fault. How does this sort of thing make any sense?! Here I am, twittling my thumbs, and I feel like life is wasting away. What else can I do?! I will figure something out. I'll keep you, my loyal fan updated on my progress.

One Thing at a Time

So, it is said that geniuses put out a lot of material. Now whether that body of work is well received by the public or not, is a different story. I think I put out a lot of work, and it seems to me that sometimes, I got things to say that I can't get published anywhere else, so I decided to start another blog on here. I got like three blogs going on here, but no one reads them. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am okay with that. It's kind of silly to promote something if you're happy just writing it. I kind of figure that if it's good, it will all work out fine. I'm not one to really care if I'm super famous or not. I just do what I like, and that's really how it should be.

Although, it wouldn't be bad to be paid for this sort of work. You know, writing and creating. I think I will do a bit of marketing when it comes to my music. But this is more of a blog to state what's on my mind. I don't give a fuck if I fall within a particular niche, or catagory. It's just going to be nice for me to look back at this body of work, and hey, some of it might actually be interesting for other people to read one day. I just have to remember, that I can only do one thing at a time, and right now, it's writing this, and after I do this I have to clean up my apartment, and maybe I might get laid. I love getting me some pussy. Well, crap. I guess that's all I got to say for right now. I hope someone out there is looking forward to my next post. Peace out, ya'll.