Re-wire the brain to write.

I'm thinking about getting back into writing again. Not these stupid journals or whatnot, but stories. Books even. So many ideas, and people seem to support you if you have an awesome book. My idea is to throw a book out on Amazon, then if it does well, I'd like to get with a traditional publisher. My books will be in the horror genre.

That's really all I got to write about now. I've heard that all you need to be a writer is a pen and paper. That may have been true in 1876, but Jesus, if you don't have access to the internet now, you're pretty much considered a freak of nature. I don't think anyone exists on this planet who doesn't have access to a computer. So, what you really need if you want to be a writer, is typing lessons, so you're hands don't end up hurting. A re-wiring of the brain so that you can write constantly. It's pretty simple if you think about it.

enjoying the silence.

What do you do when you wake up in the morning, and all your muscles ache? You're everything hurts, and you really don't want to get up. No motivation to even write a post like this. Stuck like a lump on a log. The baby's constantly screaming, and it feels as though you've been hit with multiple baseball bats. So much pain, mostly tired though. I have a feeling that I was dehydrated yesterday, so I'm finding that water makes me feel better, the problem is sweat. It is possible to overwork yourself.

Over work your body to a point where the negatives outweigh the positives. It's going to take a bit of time to replenish myself after this beat down from the sun. I just don't have the energy, and at this point, I'm enjoying the silence. The baby could start screaming again any second now.

Call me a friend.

I was hungry, but now I'm relaxed. Some days I feel as though I have been run over by a car. On days like that - yesterday for instance - the amount of motivation to get things done doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter, simply cause you don't have the energy to do anything. When have your days fall into this criteria, what do you do? So, it's not a lack of motivation, as much as it is a lack of energy, of "get up and go". You can try to work through the tired, but sometimes I think that my body is saying "I need a nap!"

Today is much better. In fact, think today will be productive. The only issue that I have is that it's raining. So, if I want to go anywhere, and do something fun, it will be rained out. There is one thing that I have to do though. Feed the neighbor's cat. Makes me happy to walk out into the rain. If you'll excuse me, I have a nice long list of people that I need to call.

Down in a Hole

I think writing is cathartic. I hope it is anyway. The people in my stories may have problems. Maybe not the same problems that I do, but I can create some pretty awesome reasons for a character to experience anxiety. I don't know if I have the patience to do all that though. There are some philosophical things that I think about regularly though, that I think would make good fodder for a fiction book.

For now, I'm trying to figure out the difference between socialism and communism. Communism has a bad reputation, and its detractors say that it has been tried and failed over and over again. I don't think that this is the case though. I think that true communism has never been tried. Not that it matters too much. I shudder to think what I have become. This is ok though. We are not our worst parts. We are a combination of crazy things. Philosophically thinking, there must be something that can get me out of the rut that I feel that I am in.

Flippin and Trippin

I got a screaming baby to deal with. She's not really screaming, but I got the foggy headed syndrome. Oh, it's bad. The drugs don't help. What I've found that drugs do, is make it so that you have all these ideas poppin into your head, and you can get more things done, cause it just helps you keep track of more things, faster. I don't know if you can tell how extremely distracted I am.

I don't really think it matters, just as long as I get something down. A thought or two. The good thoughts are all so fleeting. It's like you have to catch them before they float away. Hit the reset button on your head sort of speak. So, what I intend to do today, is sign up for that site where you can test out other people's web sites, in addition to Patreon, and fucking, maybe try out some textbook flipping. Yes, I do intend to pay for that shit.

Philosophy Writing

I have a few days off here. This is a rather strange feeling for me. Good news though, I don't have to pay child support. Bad news, I will never be able to see this child. No need to stress over it. It's funny, I could tell myself that I shouldn't stress over something like this, but then when it comes down to it, I don't think that is something that I can control.

So, what do I do with this day off? Is it something even worth thinking about? I was reading that while caffeine may boost focus, the opposite may boost creativity. Beer! Do I want to be creative? I suppose when writing a story, that it's a good plan. There's a certain brilliance to all that. Do I want to be regarded as creative? I think so. I think I want to get that degree in philosophy. What am I going to do with it though? Fucking be a writer, that's what. What will I write? Fiction. I'm looking forward to that. :)

Internal and External motivations

I have to organize before the crowd gets here on Sunday. Maybe I can update my habit list. I think the key here is to find whatever it is that works for me as an individual. Because I'm so foggy headed, I think that having the same list every day may work. The brain tends to put things on autopilot. It's like a survival thing. People just kind of do things without realizing it. It's why losing weight is a such a hard goal, because you're wired not to exercise. It's going against nature.

Here's the thing though: It can be done. It takes determination at first. A bit of persistence I believe. But obviously people do it. It's a full on lifestyle change. So when like these life coaches change people, they're actually pushing them to re-wire their brain. Motivation is a big factor in these, and other sorts of changes. I believe that many people's main source of motivation is external. Although, I really don't know. It may be pretty tough to find a true scientific ratio of the numbers of people who have external motivations, and those who have internal motivations. Even more obscure, would be finding out the differences between the strengths of the two types of motivation. If anyone actually read this blog, I would probably ask for links to websites containing such information. :)

50 year old black Jesus

I'd like to start off by saying that a girl that I dated in high school - albeit briefly - is now dating a 50 year old black DJ. That's pretty gross. Makes me want to get my priorities straight. Just think of it this way: At least I'm not Scott. Who's Scott you ask? I guess when I get married to Kat, he'll be my brother in law. So, he's my girlfriend's sister's husband. Not that it matters. He's a nice guy and all, but it bugs me that my mother in law has an orgasm every time she sees him. It's fucking weird. I think I will model a character after him in a story.

Anywho, I write these journals to sort of get my thoughts on track. Any track. It doesn't even matter. There's just these little things that still upset me. You know what they say though: Time heals all wounds. I think Jesus said that. The real question here is: What sort of things do I want to work on intensely? Sign Language? Maybe. Shit. I still feel as though my mind will never quite be on track here.

To much going on

So, I've been having chest pains in the morning. My mistake though, was complaining about it, as my mom and girlfriend think that I need to go to a doctor. To that I say: No thank you. Priorities man. That is what I have an issue with. What do I want to do with my life? Besides writing that great American Novel that people are always talking about. Marcus thinks I should be a writer, but I have trouble with English.

I'm going to need an English class though. Don't know if I want to take one from Brian. There will be papers to write. What would I do with a degree in philosophy? Write about it. Shit man. How does one contribute to society? Ericson gets it. It's so confusing. To be a musician/writer. That's what I want to do. So, how do I go about doing this, and making money? Well, I don't want to work for the man. I'm in the perfect situation right now, and I'm not taking advantage of it. The only thing that I need to focus on right now is this yardsale. Talk about way to much shit going on.

Too much work and an organizational lifestyle

The first day of my new class is on the first Monday of next week. Nice and late in the afternoon. It's a complicated situation as I'm so stuck in this philosophy mindset that I can not seem to focus on anything else. Even personal writings like this seem far and off in my head, like I'm in a cloud. Fudge. I feel like I've been working to hard to enjoy the fruits of my labor here. Too much reading. I don't even remember half the crap that I read, and when I'm writing a blog like this, it's an opportunity to spill out all the garbage that's in my head.

Let's try to stay on a positive note though. I organized the front half of my room today. That's kind of nifty if you think about it. It's like upkeep. if it become's a habit, it will always look nice in there. So, I don't plan on organizing it all at once. Like losing weight, it has to be a lifestyle. An organizational lifestyle. A little bit per day will keep my mind at ease. It's one of those things that you have to do whether you like it or not. I think I can do that. Let's start today.

Tired of stress and elbows.

Stress is the trigger that makes us do things that we don't want to do. It sounds so obvious when it's written down. So yea, you can try to replace your bad habits with better ones. You can stave off things that you think are bad. But when the stress hits, you are out of the game. Been up since 4 this morning. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I really hope though, to be able to get some sleep later today. Waking up early would be fine, if I could go to bed early as well. Maybe caffeine is the answer? Sometimes when I decide to stay awake, I get tired a few hours later.

The problem is, I'm going to have to be awake in order to help with a group project today at 9:00. I don't want to. It's a class I'm failing, the tests are impossible, and I'm struggling through it. Pushing, and grinding, and digging through a class where everyone treats me like shit. Maybe I should have kept on flirting with that bitch in Marine Biology. If I never mentioned how old I was, I would be the coolest guy in my group. But, no, I had to have respect for my girl friend, and say "it is not appropriate to be flirting with me." That's all fine, but now my girlfriend is treating me like garbage. Sorry I made a phone call at a time that you deemed inappropriate. That's not a reason to walk into our room, and elbow me in the face at 4:30 in the morning. It's just not. Shit.

Prioritize your Frogs

I know a big theme of all these blogs tends to be focus. It's important though. There is no way for me to concentrate on a specific task sometimes. I have at least five thoughts going through my head right now, so I figure I should list them. One, just watched a video about asexuality, and realized one of my ex's falls under this category and doesn't even realize it. Two, I need to do something different to Bryan's site, so that I have something to show him on Wednesday. Three, I have a paper to write for sociology. Four, There are multiple projects that I'd like to be working on. Five, I could do something crazy, and rush out to the Department of Revenue to turn in some paperwork, but the question after that is: will I have another metaphorical frog to eat tomorrow? So, how do I prioritize? I think I'll google it. I don't know that a list would help, as it's all a mental thing. Wish me luck!

Enjoying the Process

I'm considering making music videos for a bunch of songs. The earlier one starts, the faster the project will get done. Here's the issue. Bryan is a perfectionist. I can't just throw some shit together, and hope for the best. So, what do I do? I want to sign up for a site where I can sell things for cheap, but at what cost? I want something brilliantly affordable. How do I even market this stuff? So many questions as far as where to start. Apparently though, that is the wrong question. You can't go around in life asking the wrong questions.

Other things that are on my mind, would include: Biology homework. I mean what's the most important thing that I could be doing right now? Supposedly, everyone has this sort of problem at one point or another. I don't want to be the guy who winds up leaning my ladder against the wrong building. Metaphorically speaking. I think I may have done that already though. So maybe it doesn't matter, as long as you enjoy yourself in the process? I think this is a reasonable solution. Please tell me that that is the answer to all of life's problems. Enjoying the process.

Trading Addictions Makes us Human

Haven't written in my journal here for awhile. Doesn't really matter I suppose. When I talked earlier about quitting porn, I'm suddenly afraid that someone I know may be reading this crap. Interesting to think. I really hope not. Good news though, I successfully quit porn. I'm just addicted to sex related stories now. Is this better? I think that it is. Stories never hurt anybody. It's kind of brilliant actually. I have no guilt in reading sick stuff. Although, violence is an extreme turn-off. Whatever. The point is, I traded one addiction for another. This is something that makes us human.

I might rather be addicted to something else though. Something not sex related. I thought it would be interesting to try to work on web design every time an urge comes over me. Re-programming my brain in a strange way. Let's see if this works.

Testing Products

So, I was just thinking. There's got to be a way where I can take individual songs from Bandcamp, and place them onto a site. i'm going to try it here, since no one reads this Blog. Then I'm going to do it for Bryan's site. Here goes Nothing......

And I figured it out from the site. No need to post anything. Here's the issue though, do I delete the soundcloud account? I don't think so. There's got to be a way to leverage this...

Professional Musician

I have some ideas. That's all I need to say about that. If I can't work these things out for Bryan, how am I going to do it for myself. Here I am toting myself off as this master marketer, when really, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have a subscription that I believe is going to start charging me soon. I gotta get on the ball with this. My idea is to throw up some pictures, videos, some neatness. Whateves. You get the gist. I'm going to go insane, as there are some really talented artists out there, and I can't compete.

Motivation. Better internal or external? I'm going to go ahead and read some psychology articles, and find out. It's tough sometimes to know where to start on this sort of stuff. All I've been talking about lately is sex, and that is awkward for everyone. Shit man, I may have to delete this journal. The fact that there are nearly a thousand posts, and its getting out of hand. Maybe I should make this thing private? I don't know. It could totally get out of control. What if people do start reading? Interesting thought.

Action

So, my routine seems to be in full effect. But as with yesterday, you never know what's going to happen here. Also, I haven't looked at porn since before Saturday. Three days, and I didn't realize that I was this addicted. I guess you don't know till you stand back and take an objective look at the situation. I'm going to go ahead and start some new habits here. Like journaling for instance. Looking at my situation, I don't think that porn is the problem. I think it's my habits. So, this is what I'm going to do to change them. Write. That's it, I'm just going to write journals. There's nothing wrong with masturbation. In fact, I did it this morning, and felt a bit of shame. No guilt though, as I didn't look at any porn.

Sticking to a rigid schedule sucks. What I would like to do, and what I think would make me feel more accomplished, is if I have specific habits that seem to get done daily. Things like journaling, exercise, meditation, etc. I got those written out, now all I have to do is put them into action.

Deep Breath

Haven't looked at porn since Friday. In fact, maybe even before that. What I don't know though, is if reading erotic stories counts. I don't think that it does. I've noticed that I feel better. My trigger actions are becoming less of an influence. So, at night time, I would like to read instead of masturbate. That's the plan. Replace one action with another.

One more thing, I didn't start the routine that I had planned for myself a few days ago. The reason that I haven't is very simple. Unforseen circumstances. I was kept up from 3 in the morning till 5 and went back to sleep till 8. Talk about a headache. I can't deal with that kind of crap every night. I have to take a deep breath every once in awhile and say: Fuck that.

Cloudy Headed

So, it's Saturday. The routine that I applied in my last journal entry does not apply 'till the weekdays. Doesn't that sound like some kind of ridiculous excuse? Anyway, I find that journaling helps clear my foggy head in the mornings. Saturdays aren't usually this bad though. Going to have to do some research on how to study properly. Fucking science tests.

I think that's really all I have to say for the moment. I could really go for some caffiene right about now though. The coffee my mom made this morning simply wasn't strong enough. I want to get into a zone mentally where I get some shit done, and I don't know how this is going to happen. Not a big deal though, I think if I just write a few things out with pen and paper, that I should be alright.

Trigger actions and routines

Bringing new habits into my day. I think that there are trigger actions that push my day into a sort of automation. There is nothing wrong with automation, but it's not cool when what you do in the morning is not as productive as you'd like it to be. Here's the thing, I get up, feed my baby, watch the news for about an hour, put baby to sleep, waste a bit of time, write in my journal, feed baby baby again, exercise, shower, go to school.

Is this the routine that I want? Oh yea, and I somehow throw breakfast in there just before I feed the baby the second time. Like now would be a good time for breakfast. But what routine would I really enjoy? I'm going to write it out, and employ it in the morrow. So, here it is:

Wake up, feed baby, watch news (journal?), put baby to sleep, do homework on back porch, exercise in kitchen, eat breakfast in dining room, feed baby again, shower, give baby real food, run off to school.

After school I would like to: eat lunch, work for an hour on homework, take a nap? Work on Bryan's website (music if time), make dinner, watch movies.

Let's see if this works.

Difference between guilt and shame

So, I had sex yesterday. What bothers me though, is that this did not stop me from masturbating this morning. Was I ashamed for masturbating? Slightly. I've been reading psychology articles about the differences between shame and guilt. I felt shame, as in an awareness that I had done something wrong. But guilt? That usually involves the awareness that you may have hurt others.

Guilt is a tool that can be used to never perform an action again. I've read that people who commit crimes are more likely to commit the same crime again if all they feel is shame, whereas if they know that what they did may harm others, it's less likely that they will commit the same crime again. So I ask myself: How do my sexual habits harm others? Well, if there is porn involved, (and much of the time there is) it gives a market for viewing women as objects. It's a very indirect hurt as there are women in the porn industry who make a decent living, and maybe are treated very well. Unfortunately, this does not apply to everyone in that industry. I'm not a radical feminist, and I say radical because there is nothing wrong with being a feminist, but there are those that are stereotyped and take their views to the extreme.

Anyway, I got off track. I do agree with women's rights however, porn should lead to guilt, and unfortunately, most of the time it does not. Is there anything wrong with using my imagination though? This may have to be a topic for another journal entry. I actually have a lot more to write on a totally different subject, so I'm going to go ahead and publish this, but I will be thinking more about this in the morrow. bye for now.

Wallow

I was wondering, What are journals really for? From a psychology standpoint they're supposed to keep you happy, clear-headed, focused and all that noise, but I was thinking that's only if you do them a certain way. I don't want to wallow in things that are happening to me that I think suck, and just re-live them over and over again in my head. Does this not reinforce negative thinking? I could try to write about positive things, but then I wouldn't be learning or overcoming bad experiences, and I thought that was the point.

So I got some bad experiences. Some of which I already posted out on Facebook. Not in detail though, as for one thing I don't want to wine, and for another thing, there is a specific person that my post sort of is about, (that I don't want this person to see). That's not all of it though.

I'm starting to think that porn is bad. I have a bit more freedom to talk about it here, since no one I know reads these things. I feel ashamed after looking at porn, and it takes a toll mentally. If I have a generally high sex drive, how do I stop "looking"? I can live in my head, which I've tried, but it only makes the urges stronger. So, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to record it. I think that is the proper way to journal anyway. Record my progress, and how it makes me feel. So like for today, I was checking out Cam4, and found this gorgeous french girl. Didn't feel to bad about that, but it makes me shameful about porn from yesterday. I think there is some reinforcement going on. I don't want to stop masturbating all together, so I'm just going to journal how this whole thing makes me feel. This will be in addition to attempts to clear my mind of course. Now I'm off to exercise!

Internally Motivated

Personalities. I don't much care for the high D in the DiSC system. They're fucking assholes. People that say "I want to dominate myself over this situation, and everybody involved in this project." Fuck you. Not saying any names, (mother in law) I shouldn't have to prove myself to anybody. Accept of course myself.

So, what can I learn from the god awful experience of living with a high D, possible ENTJ? Other than that people can be "Dicks", (I seriously think that is what the D stands for.) I can say that if life is a competition, than I am winning. Only because I don't let that shit stress me out.

Calm demeanor is everything. So my mom is a nervous wreck and got all A's in school. If this were a trait I could turn on/off during school hours, I would be having an orgasm over my grades. It's not like that though, and I feel a sense of high disreguard and almost hatred for those who say that you can turn up your subversive traits to fit situations. Like a cameleon. That is not what I am. I know who I am, and I intend to use these strengths. Internal motivation is a strength. I am motivated to do well in school simply because people tend to masturbate when they see that you have a degree. Seriously, if I had a doctorate, and I showed it to a potential employer, they'd orgasm right then and there.

Is a degree worth all that? I don't believe so. I do believe that education is important, but only to satisfy your own means. To be in a field where you are learning every day. Like the one that I am about to embark on. That's what it's all about. In fact, I know what I want to do with my life, I just have to suck it up for awhile and take some shitty classes that don't mean anything accept from a societal point of view.

Write to be Happy

Foggy headed. That's all I am. People must change their beliefs before they change their habits. Too tired to really think about making sense. I would like to exercise a bit, but I don't think that's going to be happening here any time soon. So many things to believe, where do I start? I want to make these sorts of journals a habit. Maybe write a few every day, as a sort of reward to clear my mind. Not that I really get into writing these things, but studies show that if you write a bit about your day or some crap, that you'll be an over all happier person. A happy life, is a successful life. I hear these things, but sometimes, I don't have the energy to apply them. I mean, I'm writing a journal now, but not really about what's going on with me. Some of these journals are more coherent than others, but I don't know if that matters in the happiness theory. I think it's really more for personal use. To clear things up in your head. It's hard to say if that sort of thing works, but hey, I got some good ideas, and I'm going to stick with it.

Success is what motivates

Alrighty, so here's what's been going on with me. Homework. I have it. I have things going on that are tough. I have a baby in California. Allegedly. I'm hungry! But mostly, I want to get in the mindset for writing things that make sense. These journals sometimes don't make to much sense. Flying from topic to topic. For instance, I need to buy my gf a new computer. I bought myself one, and she can't stop using it. Not that I like being on the computer all day, but when I need it, she's on it. Fucking a. Wish we had some bananas. There was something else that I was going to mention as well.....I have the opportunity to start a business. Of course I'm going to do it, but the gf isn't feeling it. She doesn't get it. I have to actually prove that the money that I spend is going somewhere decent. Maybe next month I'll have something to show for all this. I haven't started yet though, that's the thing. that's the issue. I can't get money if I don't start, and put in a passion for it. Also, there needs to be a success or two along the way to motivate me. I think that it works that way for anyone. Success is what motivates.

Happy in Jail

So, I'm in the great state of Florida now. Nothing much to say about that. Got a daughter who pretends to sleep. Don't have that time to myself like I used to. I think I hate people. I think I've written that before. You know, how people suck. I like to think that I'm a good writer, but the thing about that is, "good" is in the eye of the beholder. I've been exercising. I keep forgetting to call the doctor though about my high liver enzymes (whatever that means.) I was feeling great, until I went to the doctor.

It's ironic that I've forgotten how to spell the word complacent. Although, it's not underlined in red, so maybe I did spell it right. I got school classes that I need to write for, and when I wrote that word out, it did not look right. Very strange.

Um, what just happened here?! I wrote like five more paragraphs about this bullshit child support, then when I go to give this post a title, everything that I wrote disappeared. I don't know that it really matters though, cause I got the idea out of my head. I am still a bit worried though, that If I don't become financially stable by the time this child support crap goes through (which may be in like five years) that I could go to jail for not paying money that I don't have. Apparently they do that to people in America. Creating a baby is a jail sentence. But you know what? If I get 3 meals a day, and get to read every day, maybe have a notebook to write on, I think I would be happy in jail.

That's kind of sad. I don't want to be happy in jail. I want to be happy in a house that I earned. I think I can do that. I want those visitation rights to see my son. Not just because me visiting would be the mother's worst nightmare, but because I'll be paying for that right. I believe wholeheartedly that it's better for me to pop in and out of his life, than to not be there at all. His mom is wrong on that issue, and that's all there is to it.