No More Greed Creed.

Sometimes, I don't have anything to write about. It's times like these that I simply write to make myself feel better. I don't think anyone reads the things that I post so I'm not really worried about alienating my audience. It's nice, because I don't really have one. Anyway, I guess I can write about my day.

I woke up and masturbated to the thought of a stripper grinding her wet pussy on my chest, and that was kind of nice. I've stopped looking at porn for over a week now, and I must say that it's kind of nice. I haven't noticed a change in my sex drive, but I'm just hoping to be able to focus more on things that matter to me. I have been writing more music now that I think about, but I don't know if that is as a result of quitting porn. Does it really matter? If nobody reads these blogs, then no one is going to listen to my music either. I know there is something that I intend to put out into the world, but I can't quite figure out what it is. What's going to give me the most fulfilling life? Certainly not chasing money around. Greed is for losers.

Choose Your Battle

I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, but damn, things are getting intense! Good news though, I got paid today. I didn't tell anyone, cause people are like leaches when it comes to money. I don't want to go out and eat a $75 celebration dinner. I'm not exaggerating on that either.

I just want to say "no thank you" to spending every dime that I make on some skank. I'm being trampled on, and I don't dig that. It's not always a good thing to fall into the mindset of being a people pleaser. I was reading an article in psychology today last week, and I came to the conclusion that that is what I am. A people pleaser. So my relationships suffer because of that.

How do you break out of a detrimental habit if it's the kind of habit that makes us inherently human? It's like eating, you have to eat to survive, but if you're overweight you're basically killing yourself. The key is moderation. Same with alcohol I suppose. If an alcoholic avoids alcohol all the time, then the simple practice of avoiding the addiction will consume his or her life. I don't want that to happen to me. One must learn to pick and choose their battles.

People Pleasing

I figured it out. I am a people pleaser. I hear it's a bit of a personality disorder. Everyone has something wrong with them. I can't quite figure out where mine stems from though. I can't blame others for using me though. I just have to stand up for myself every once in awhile is all. People need to stop messing with me. It's strange to think that this is one of those addictions that you can't quit altogether without there being negative consequences. If I shut everyone out of my life, I will be this horrible person who will never amount to anything. On the other hand, if I do things for people at the expense of my own personal well being, I'm destroying myself. I have to realize that I am the problem. The greatest people in the world tend to sabotage themselves in one way or another. The bottom line for me is that I just want to be happy.

Which brings me to the question of what makes me happy? Same kinds of shit that makes everyone else happy: good food, sex, drugs, rock and roll. But there is one main thing that makes me different. I think it has something to do with helping people. If I know that what I do for a living makes a difference, I think I will be satisfied. I have to work on that one. :)

What to do

So, I find myself sitting here, not exactly bored, but coming up with all these interesting ideas and no way whatsoever to implement them. it's rather frustrating to say the least. What can you possibly do in this sort of situation. The ADD is kicking in really bad, and I don't know how to find my way around it. I'm glad I started this blog because if I didn't, I don't know what I'd be doing right now.

I need money, but I also realize that this should never be the main motivation behind anything. I'm a little bit hungry, and too creative for my own good. Not much of a planner, as I don't want to end up planning my life away. I do have to get something done today though, so I don't feel like such a douche. What to do, what to do...

I know, I can do research for my e-book. Make sure that I don't have broken links or anything crazy like that. I was almost thinking of writing two separate e-books. One for creating, and one for marketing. Easier said than done. I'm sure there are tons of courses jam packed with all the info that I have in my head right now, but to be honest, I don't give a fuck. I'm putting it out there anyway.

Scenarios

It's been awhile since I felt nice and relaxed like this. I have to get away from my computer though. Being at your computer 24/7 starts to wear on you physically. It also starts to mess with your psyche when you plan too much. That's just something that I've learned through much trial and error. There is one thing that I do know though, and that is that it just takes a little bit of balance.

A little bit of planning isn't such a bad thing. You don't want to jump into risky situations with nothing to protect you if things go wrong. I was also told to look at situations as not negative or positive, but just different outcomes of the same action. If you can't live with a possible outcome, then modify what you plan on doing so that in even the worst case scenario is tolerable.

For instance, I plan on writing some e-books, and signing up for Clickbank.com as a distributor. The worst case scenario here will be that I lose 50 bucks. Not so bad in the grand scheme of things, considering that the best case would be that I am able to make a living selling e-books, and won't have to get a job at Mcdonalds, or somewhere similar. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but still. You get my gist. :)

This can all go away

I just figured out how to do paragraph spacing on this stupid blog. That's not what this post is going to be about though. lol. I wrote something like this in my first post on here. Something about how I'm sick of sitting around all day. Which is fine, it's just that I have so many things that I want to accomplish, and now my ex girl friend is pregnant. She ruined my life.

I tried talking out my frustrations, but it seems as though everyone's trying to force their opinions on me. The conclusion that I've come up with now, is that I'll just have to write it out. So here it goes. I have the option to run away. I have the option to let her live off of my money, and I have the option to sit here and stress about it forever. I feel like if I run away, I'll be stressing for the rest of my life, and that's no way to live life.

I'm already getting calls from debt collectors. The fuck?! Sigh. This really hurts. To put your trust in someone, and have your life be fucked up like this. Kind of makes me mad. If I move, this will all go away. Or make it exponentially worse. Don't know for sure which. Suicide was sounding like an option there for awhile. Unfortunately, I have something that I want to give the world, so I can't do that.

I say if she chooses to have it, that's her decision. Does it really hurt a child if he/she doesn't have a father? Please tell me your thoughts.

School is not Cool

As I was looking back over some of these old posts, I realized that a lot of this stuff is a bit negative. I'm not a negative person by any means, I think I was just writing from the point of view of a realist. Which if that puts people off, it's fine. I kind of don't want people reading this thing anyway. At least not for a few years. I think this is going to be one of those things that will be popular in a few years. This whole blog I mean. So many ideas, and so little time to do them. How should I do this? I'm looking into a future where my degree isn't going to matter too much. It's tough though. I'm getting education for free, and at this point I'm looking at it not like a helping hand, but more like a "I'll take what I can get kind of deal." My head is about to explode just thinking about how hard it is just to get a BS degree that won't mean anything. Not cool man, not cool.

It's Simply Gross

It seems as though the state of California is trying to kick me out, so I have decided to move out of the state. I don't want to say where though. I may know someone out there who is reading this, so if I say when or where I'm moving, they might try to track me down. I didn't mean to start a blog so that I could complain, I just wanted to be able to look back and track what's going on in my life. I have some pretty awesome pictures, that I intend to post here within the next couple of days. Pictures of the shitty conditions I was living in only a month ago.

I look at moving as a new start. A re-birth in the hero cycle. You see, everyone deserves a second chance. The great thing is that I have at least nine months to move out, enroll in another school, switch degrees, and get my life back on track. I have weapons now. I know if need be, I can survive, and that's what matters to me. I need a place where I won't have women draining my money, and homeless people trying to ruin my life. Things here are pretty disgusting.

Scared out of my mind

About that whole pregnancy scare. I'm gonna pretend that never happened. Not a big deal. Here's the thing, I have reason to believe that if I don't talk to her, she won't talk to me, and it will all be gravy. I'm not abandoning my unborn child, or if they're twins, "children", it's really more like I'm running away from her craziness. There's just no negotiating. It's scary to think that she wants to take all my money. Horrible even. I'm scared to death. I'd like to think that it just isn't happening, but I don't know if my plan will work. Also, I feel as though my brain has been molded in a bad way by porn. I can't stop looking at porn, my ex is pregnant, and I may have tracked bedbugs into this brand new apartment, and I can barely afford to survive. And I'm expected to get all A's. Things are pretty fucked up right now. There's got to be a bright side. There just has to be. Is this the kind of thing that everyone goes through in life?