Trading Addictions Makes us Human

Haven't written in my journal here for awhile. Doesn't really matter I suppose. When I talked earlier about quitting porn, I'm suddenly afraid that someone I know may be reading this crap. Interesting to think. I really hope not. Good news though, I successfully quit porn. I'm just addicted to sex related stories now. Is this better? I think that it is. Stories never hurt anybody. It's kind of brilliant actually. I have no guilt in reading sick stuff. Although, violence is an extreme turn-off. Whatever. The point is, I traded one addiction for another. This is something that makes us human.

I might rather be addicted to something else though. Something not sex related. I thought it would be interesting to try to work on web design every time an urge comes over me. Re-programming my brain in a strange way. Let's see if this works.

Testing Products

So, I was just thinking. There's got to be a way where I can take individual songs from Bandcamp, and place them onto a site. i'm going to try it here, since no one reads this Blog. Then I'm going to do it for Bryan's site. Here goes Nothing......

And I figured it out from the site. No need to post anything. Here's the issue though, do I delete the soundcloud account? I don't think so. There's got to be a way to leverage this...

Professional Musician

I have some ideas. That's all I need to say about that. If I can't work these things out for Bryan, how am I going to do it for myself. Here I am toting myself off as this master marketer, when really, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have a subscription that I believe is going to start charging me soon. I gotta get on the ball with this. My idea is to throw up some pictures, videos, some neatness. Whateves. You get the gist. I'm going to go insane, as there are some really talented artists out there, and I can't compete.

Motivation. Better internal or external? I'm going to go ahead and read some psychology articles, and find out. It's tough sometimes to know where to start on this sort of stuff. All I've been talking about lately is sex, and that is awkward for everyone. Shit man, I may have to delete this journal. The fact that there are nearly a thousand posts, and its getting out of hand. Maybe I should make this thing private? I don't know. It could totally get out of control. What if people do start reading? Interesting thought.

Action

So, my routine seems to be in full effect. But as with yesterday, you never know what's going to happen here. Also, I haven't looked at porn since before Saturday. Three days, and I didn't realize that I was this addicted. I guess you don't know till you stand back and take an objective look at the situation. I'm going to go ahead and start some new habits here. Like journaling for instance. Looking at my situation, I don't think that porn is the problem. I think it's my habits. So, this is what I'm going to do to change them. Write. That's it, I'm just going to write journals. There's nothing wrong with masturbation. In fact, I did it this morning, and felt a bit of shame. No guilt though, as I didn't look at any porn.

Sticking to a rigid schedule sucks. What I would like to do, and what I think would make me feel more accomplished, is if I have specific habits that seem to get done daily. Things like journaling, exercise, meditation, etc. I got those written out, now all I have to do is put them into action.

Deep Breath

Haven't looked at porn since Friday. In fact, maybe even before that. What I don't know though, is if reading erotic stories counts. I don't think that it does. I've noticed that I feel better. My trigger actions are becoming less of an influence. So, at night time, I would like to read instead of masturbate. That's the plan. Replace one action with another.

One more thing, I didn't start the routine that I had planned for myself a few days ago. The reason that I haven't is very simple. Unforseen circumstances. I was kept up from 3 in the morning till 5 and went back to sleep till 8. Talk about a headache. I can't deal with that kind of crap every night. I have to take a deep breath every once in awhile and say: Fuck that.

Cloudy Headed

So, it's Saturday. The routine that I applied in my last journal entry does not apply 'till the weekdays. Doesn't that sound like some kind of ridiculous excuse? Anyway, I find that journaling helps clear my foggy head in the mornings. Saturdays aren't usually this bad though. Going to have to do some research on how to study properly. Fucking science tests.

I think that's really all I have to say for the moment. I could really go for some caffiene right about now though. The coffee my mom made this morning simply wasn't strong enough. I want to get into a zone mentally where I get some shit done, and I don't know how this is going to happen. Not a big deal though, I think if I just write a few things out with pen and paper, that I should be alright.

Trigger actions and routines

Bringing new habits into my day. I think that there are trigger actions that push my day into a sort of automation. There is nothing wrong with automation, but it's not cool when what you do in the morning is not as productive as you'd like it to be. Here's the thing, I get up, feed my baby, watch the news for about an hour, put baby to sleep, waste a bit of time, write in my journal, feed baby baby again, exercise, shower, go to school.

Is this the routine that I want? Oh yea, and I somehow throw breakfast in there just before I feed the baby the second time. Like now would be a good time for breakfast. But what routine would I really enjoy? I'm going to write it out, and employ it in the morrow. So, here it is:

Wake up, feed baby, watch news (journal?), put baby to sleep, do homework on back porch, exercise in kitchen, eat breakfast in dining room, feed baby again, shower, give baby real food, run off to school.

After school I would like to: eat lunch, work for an hour on homework, take a nap? Work on Bryan's website (music if time), make dinner, watch movies.

Let's see if this works.

Difference between guilt and shame

So, I had sex yesterday. What bothers me though, is that this did not stop me from masturbating this morning. Was I ashamed for masturbating? Slightly. I've been reading psychology articles about the differences between shame and guilt. I felt shame, as in an awareness that I had done something wrong. But guilt? That usually involves the awareness that you may have hurt others.

Guilt is a tool that can be used to never perform an action again. I've read that people who commit crimes are more likely to commit the same crime again if all they feel is shame, whereas if they know that what they did may harm others, it's less likely that they will commit the same crime again. So I ask myself: How do my sexual habits harm others? Well, if there is porn involved, (and much of the time there is) it gives a market for viewing women as objects. It's a very indirect hurt as there are women in the porn industry who make a decent living, and maybe are treated very well. Unfortunately, this does not apply to everyone in that industry. I'm not a radical feminist, and I say radical because there is nothing wrong with being a feminist, but there are those that are stereotyped and take their views to the extreme.

Anyway, I got off track. I do agree with women's rights however, porn should lead to guilt, and unfortunately, most of the time it does not. Is there anything wrong with using my imagination though? This may have to be a topic for another journal entry. I actually have a lot more to write on a totally different subject, so I'm going to go ahead and publish this, but I will be thinking more about this in the morrow. bye for now.

Wallow

I was wondering, What are journals really for? From a psychology standpoint they're supposed to keep you happy, clear-headed, focused and all that noise, but I was thinking that's only if you do them a certain way. I don't want to wallow in things that are happening to me that I think suck, and just re-live them over and over again in my head. Does this not reinforce negative thinking? I could try to write about positive things, but then I wouldn't be learning or overcoming bad experiences, and I thought that was the point.

So I got some bad experiences. Some of which I already posted out on Facebook. Not in detail though, as for one thing I don't want to wine, and for another thing, there is a specific person that my post sort of is about, (that I don't want this person to see). That's not all of it though.

I'm starting to think that porn is bad. I have a bit more freedom to talk about it here, since no one I know reads these things. I feel ashamed after looking at porn, and it takes a toll mentally. If I have a generally high sex drive, how do I stop "looking"? I can live in my head, which I've tried, but it only makes the urges stronger. So, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to record it. I think that is the proper way to journal anyway. Record my progress, and how it makes me feel. So like for today, I was checking out Cam4, and found this gorgeous french girl. Didn't feel to bad about that, but it makes me shameful about porn from yesterday. I think there is some reinforcement going on. I don't want to stop masturbating all together, so I'm just going to journal how this whole thing makes me feel. This will be in addition to attempts to clear my mind of course. Now I'm off to exercise!

Internally Motivated

Personalities. I don't much care for the high D in the DiSC system. They're fucking assholes. People that say "I want to dominate myself over this situation, and everybody involved in this project." Fuck you. Not saying any names, (mother in law) I shouldn't have to prove myself to anybody. Accept of course myself.

So, what can I learn from the god awful experience of living with a high D, possible ENTJ? Other than that people can be "Dicks", (I seriously think that is what the D stands for.) I can say that if life is a competition, than I am winning. Only because I don't let that shit stress me out.

Calm demeanor is everything. So my mom is a nervous wreck and got all A's in school. If this were a trait I could turn on/off during school hours, I would be having an orgasm over my grades. It's not like that though, and I feel a sense of high disreguard and almost hatred for those who say that you can turn up your subversive traits to fit situations. Like a cameleon. That is not what I am. I know who I am, and I intend to use these strengths. Internal motivation is a strength. I am motivated to do well in school simply because people tend to masturbate when they see that you have a degree. Seriously, if I had a doctorate, and I showed it to a potential employer, they'd orgasm right then and there.

Is a degree worth all that? I don't believe so. I do believe that education is important, but only to satisfy your own means. To be in a field where you are learning every day. Like the one that I am about to embark on. That's what it's all about. In fact, I know what I want to do with my life, I just have to suck it up for awhile and take some shitty classes that don't mean anything accept from a societal point of view.