So, here's a crazy story. I broke some decorative glass. Fucking accidents happen, right? Here's the dealio. I'm living with the single most demonic child on the planet, and of course in-laws who think they know better.
Anyway, I break this glass item, and sweep it up. No big deal. The fucking devil child says to her devil grandma, "Michael broke that glass thing!! He's a piece of shit." I may have paraphrased, but you get the point. So, demon grandma gives me this whole spiel about how glass can kill people, blah blah blah, and I tried my best to point out how demon child didn't fucking LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!
I get the dangers of glass. It fucking kills. Wonderful. But here is what I wanted to get across: Your grandchild is a fucking piece of human garbage. All she had to do was listen when I said to put on shoes. Yes I cleaned, yes I vacuumed. That is not the fucking point. What I want to say is: Why are we overlooking all the bullshit that this child is trying to pull, and then if I mention it, they say "She's only five." As though this exempts her from being a piece of human garbage. End of rant.
Monday, July 21, 2014
The day my daughter was born
This one I call: The birth of my daughter.
So, my wife to be decides one day that she wants to have a baby. Great. Fine. Groovy. Not an issue. Everything is fine with that. Except of course that just like every other set of parents in the world, we are horribly underprepared. Not really a fan of babies, so on and so forth. But anyway, the day comes when the doctor's decide to induce her.
Here's something that you don't see in the movies: A woman walking in non-chalantly to give birth. It's always very chalant. The issue is not with my fiance as it were, but with her horrible, horrible witch of a mother.
You see, this woman is wrong about everything, and very headstrong about it. I have to fucking fight to give my opinion, if I even wanted to give it in the first place. Generally, I keep that shit to myself, but I don't go throwing things in people's faces either. Balance.
So, the day comes, when my daughter is to be born, and guess who takes the day off? In-law from hell. Questioning everything. It is said that in order to be a good leader, you must first be a good follower. This woman is not a follower. In fact, she is a get-in-the-wayer. I've never seen someone so adamant to not let people do their job.
My fiance is in the process of giving birth after 12 hours of labor, and this psycho comes in and fucking tries to do the doctor's job. She didn't go through 10 years of medical school! The fuck! I'm not trusting my fiance's life with someone who thinks that they know what they are doing, but doesn't have either the knowledge, or the experience to back it up!
As the magical hour approaches, the doctors rush in to take blood pressure, make sure the epidural is in correctly, get stats and figures, you know, the kinds of things that they went to 9+ years of school for. Guess who thinks they know better than the doctor? No need to guess! I'll tell you! The in-law from hell! As my fiance is breathing heavily, blood pressure dropping, heart rates rising, temperatures drastically changing, this woman pushes fucking medical personnel out of the way, and is asking for up-to-date analysis on every detail of the situation.
Let these people do their jobs! Jesus fucking Christ, lives are at stake here. I get the evil eye for being complacent or whatever, but I'm not about to be another asshole know it all trying to push the doctors out of the way as if they don't know what they're doing and fucking throw my dick in her mouth. Who the fuck does that?! What the fuck is wrong with her?!
So, they rush her out rip her open take the baby out, yada yada yada, and then what was supposed to be a glorious moment of awesome turned into the next 24 hours of nightmare. The tension in the room was thick, because I guess if you've had .000000000000000000000000001% of the babies in the world, you're a god damn expert. Shit. So here this woman is telling me how to take care of my daughter, a person who is half of me. I innately know how to take care of my daughter, cause again, she is half me! It's like taking care of myself. Well, partially. The people who best know how to take care of their child are well.....the fucking parents!
Moreover, on this beautiful day, it wasn't like the movies. No, I felt more like a wolf, snarling at this bitch who wanted to take my child, claim it as hers. Very awkward. I really wanted to be a wolf, and bite the veins out of her neck, to protect my daughter from someone who thought that it was her baby. This is why the hospital puts ankle bracelets on babies. Cause in-laws may steal your child. Fuck.
So, my wife to be decides one day that she wants to have a baby. Great. Fine. Groovy. Not an issue. Everything is fine with that. Except of course that just like every other set of parents in the world, we are horribly underprepared. Not really a fan of babies, so on and so forth. But anyway, the day comes when the doctor's decide to induce her.
Here's something that you don't see in the movies: A woman walking in non-chalantly to give birth. It's always very chalant. The issue is not with my fiance as it were, but with her horrible, horrible witch of a mother.
You see, this woman is wrong about everything, and very headstrong about it. I have to fucking fight to give my opinion, if I even wanted to give it in the first place. Generally, I keep that shit to myself, but I don't go throwing things in people's faces either. Balance.
So, the day comes, when my daughter is to be born, and guess who takes the day off? In-law from hell. Questioning everything. It is said that in order to be a good leader, you must first be a good follower. This woman is not a follower. In fact, she is a get-in-the-wayer. I've never seen someone so adamant to not let people do their job.
My fiance is in the process of giving birth after 12 hours of labor, and this psycho comes in and fucking tries to do the doctor's job. She didn't go through 10 years of medical school! The fuck! I'm not trusting my fiance's life with someone who thinks that they know what they are doing, but doesn't have either the knowledge, or the experience to back it up!
As the magical hour approaches, the doctors rush in to take blood pressure, make sure the epidural is in correctly, get stats and figures, you know, the kinds of things that they went to 9+ years of school for. Guess who thinks they know better than the doctor? No need to guess! I'll tell you! The in-law from hell! As my fiance is breathing heavily, blood pressure dropping, heart rates rising, temperatures drastically changing, this woman pushes fucking medical personnel out of the way, and is asking for up-to-date analysis on every detail of the situation.
Let these people do their jobs! Jesus fucking Christ, lives are at stake here. I get the evil eye for being complacent or whatever, but I'm not about to be another asshole know it all trying to push the doctors out of the way as if they don't know what they're doing and fucking throw my dick in her mouth. Who the fuck does that?! What the fuck is wrong with her?!
So, they rush her out rip her open take the baby out, yada yada yada, and then what was supposed to be a glorious moment of awesome turned into the next 24 hours of nightmare. The tension in the room was thick, because I guess if you've had .000000000000000000000000001% of the babies in the world, you're a god damn expert. Shit. So here this woman is telling me how to take care of my daughter, a person who is half of me. I innately know how to take care of my daughter, cause again, she is half me! It's like taking care of myself. Well, partially. The people who best know how to take care of their child are well.....the fucking parents!
Moreover, on this beautiful day, it wasn't like the movies. No, I felt more like a wolf, snarling at this bitch who wanted to take my child, claim it as hers. Very awkward. I really wanted to be a wolf, and bite the veins out of her neck, to protect my daughter from someone who thought that it was her baby. This is why the hospital puts ankle bracelets on babies. Cause in-laws may steal your child. Fuck.
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